When I Said I Do
by purplepagoda
Summary: He comes home from work, after being with someone else. His wife waits up for him. Can he fix what he's broken. Will he remember why they got married in the first place. What makes their secret life, together sacred? Or will he throw it all away? TIVA?
1. It Would Be You

He walks through the door of his bedroom, and a pillow flies at his head. Before he can duck, a blanket flies at him too. He catches them, and stares at the bed. It's dark, but he knows that she's still awake, as evidenced by the pillows, and blankets.

"You're angry?"

"Do you really think that I don't have a right to be?"

"Don't do this."

"Do what? I have done nothing. You are the one who is an idiot."

"I am not the only one who is playing this game. You are the one who started this stupid game that we have been playing lately."

"I have done nothing wrong."

"Really? So you haven't been trying to make me jealous?"

"That was not my intention."

"Well, whatever you were trying to do, it worked."

"No, it didn't."

"I don't think that I can do this anymore."

"Then leave."

"No."

"No? I'll make it easy for you, tomorrow after work, I am going to pay a visit to the attorney."

"Don't," he begs.

"Why shouldn't I? Give me a reason to put up with all your crap."

"I make mistakes, all the time, but I am not the only one. Please forgive me."

"Forgive you? How can I forgive you, when I know that you are going to continue making the same mistake?"

"Why do you have to know me so damn well?"

"I am sorry that I know you so well."

"Just calm down, for one second."

"Why? So I can smell her on your shirt? I know where you have been, and I am not going to go down that road."

"How is what I did any different, than what you're doing?"

"I am not interested in him, like that."

"You went to Vermont with him."

"Nothing happened. How many times do I have to tell you that, before you believe me?"

"Remind we ever thought that this could work? Both of us are too jealous, too..."

"You are a cheater, I am not. I have never broken any vows. You just... I feel like you don't really care about this anymore. I feel like you've given up. If you want out, just say it. I will let you out."

"We agreed that this would be open..."

"Open? Has that worked out at all, so far?"

"No."

"Take a shower, make sure that you dry your hair, I wouldn't want you to catch a cold, in the living room," she tells him sharply.

"You're really going to make me sleep on the couch?"

"Do you really expect me to let you sleep in this bed?"

"It's my bed."

"No, not everything is yours, or mine. Some things are ours, but you just seem to keep throwing them away."

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"Nothing. If you say anything, you are just going to dig yourself deeper into a hole."

"Why is it that you don't believe me, but I am supposed to believe you?"

"Because I am not sleeping with anyone, but you, and... even that is a mistake. You have nothing to be jealous of."

"Really? I shouldn't be concerned about your male friend, who you went to Vermont with? The one I have never met. The one who is a great cook, and makes you laugh."

"There is a reason that you haven't met him."

"And why is that?"

"Because you are a jerk. He isn't interested in me like that."

"So why is he interested in you."

"He wants me..."

He doesn't allow her to finish, "Exactly."

"Not the way you think. He is trying to get me to leave NCIS."

"To leave me?"

"No. It's a job offer, you idiot."

"Oh."

"So would you like to continue to pretend that you are innocent?"

"How can I know that you're telling me the truth? You hold so much back. I don't understand. You should be able to tell me anything."

"I should, but my faith in you, it has disappeared."

He swallows hard, "You don't trust me anymore?"

"Should I?"

"I have made mistakes..."

"And you keep making them."

"But I love you. Please, give me a chance."

"No. I have given you enough chances. I have been played for a fool, long enough. If you want her, you can have her."

"I want you."

"You have a funny way of showing it."

"I love you."

"I resent you," she retorts.

"Fair enough, but when you wake up, in the morning, alone, in this bed, you're going to remember why you gave me a chance in the first place. You're going to remember how you used to feel. You are going to wish that..."

"Everyday I wish that I could go back."

"Why would you wish that?"

"Because then I wouldn't have to know the truth. I wouldn't have to do this. I wouldn't feel this way..."

"When did we get so lost? When did you shut me out?"

"I can't let you in, anymore, because you just keep hurting me. You are the one person that I thought that I could trust, but you proved me wrong."

"If you want out, file the damn papers, Ziva."

"Is that what you want, Tony?"

"No, but if it's what it takes to make you happy, then go ahead. I am tired of trying to make you happy. I can't. You never let me know what I need to do, and I am sick of trying to guess."

"You really screwed up this time. You are supposed to be my husband. I guess this is like any other marriage, right? The husband tries to sneak in, after his wife should be asleep, from somewhere he shouldn't have been. He tries to deny that he has just been with someone else. I never realized that the American dream was built on lies, and infidelity."

"I will always love you."

"So why can't you ever show it? Why did you do this?"

"You left me no choice."

"You're really going to blame me for this?"

"I'm going to go to the couch now. Sleep tight."


	2. The Truth Is

He leaves the room. She sinks into her pillow. She sighs in frustration.

"Sleep? I never sleep, without you," she curses to herself.

He turns on the shower. He climbs inside. He picks up a bar of soap, but his eyes remain fixed on a bottle of shampoo. A bottle of shampoo, next to a bottle of body wash. Her shampoo, her body wash. The mixture of scents that intoxicated him. A distinct scent that he always winced about her changing. A scent he would know anywhere in the world. He could be deaf, and blind, and if she was near, if he could smell, he would know. He could hardly resist her, every day, as she climbed out of the shower. When the scent was fresh, and strong, he just wanted to drink her in.

Being with her was a challenge, and a reward. She was not easy to please. She didn't open up easily. When things were good they were great. When they were bad, he wondered if he'd wake up, with a gun to his head. He smiles to himself, that hadn't happened in a long time. She no longer slept with a gun under her pillow. Instead she closed in in a drawer, in the stand next to her bed. Their bed. The one that they shared, every night. The one he wanted to be in, right now, with her.

Why had he gone, and done something so stupid. Why did he always have to make mistakes? She hadn't done anything wrong. She wasn't to blame. Sometimes she pushed him away, but he knew he was supposed to push back, instead of turning his back on her. Where had things gone so wrong? He loved her, more than he had ever loved anyone. She was his soft place to land, so why had he turned to another woman? It wasn't like he had a sexless, loveless marriage. They weren't strangers, living in the same home. He knew everything there was to know about her. At least everything she ever let anyone know.

She rolls over, twisting herself up in bed clothes. She puts the pillow over her head, to block out the sound of the shower, in the next room. She didn't want to think about him. The sad thing was that a pillow couldn't muffle her thoughts. They were screaming at her. She had pushed, and pushed. She never let him in. She never told him the things that she needed him to hear. She loved him, there was no denying that. Sometimes she wondered, where it ever went so wrong. On the day he married her, it was like a fairytale. It was a private, peaceful ceremony. Their secret. Maybe that was the problem. They had too many secrets. Secrets from the world. Secrets from each other. Secrets, and lies were ripping their marriage apart.

He had promised her forever, and she never believed him. He said that he would never leave her. Why didn't she ever believe him. Had she done this? Had she pushed him, into the arms of another woman? Had she made him turn to someone else, for something she could not give him? There were a lot of things she wanted to, but could not give him. She knew that she could never give him the picture, that they had imagined, in their minds. The vision that they shared, would never be theirs.

A house is not a home, when you live together, but you spend your time alone. They didn't talk much anymore. They were arguing more and more. About things that weren't important. Who took out the trash? Why were there always dirty socks on the floor? She hated this. She hated when her thoughts spiraled out of control. She knew where they would end up, the one place she didn't want them to go.

The things she couldn't give him. Not things, just one thing. She listens to the quietness around her. This was how it was always going to be. Two people tiptoeing around. Two hearts beating. Just two. There would never be a pitter patter of little feet. There would never be a baby crying, in the next room. There would never be the sound of a child's laughter. No fingerpainted masterpieces hanging on the fridge. No toys to trip over. She could never give him that. They would never have that, not even through unconventional means. They would never be chosen for adoption, and she couldn't stand the thought of someone else having their child.

That was what this was about. That was what had been eating at them lately. That was what was filling the empty silence between them. The wedge that was driving them apart. The absent person, who was never going to appear. The miracle, that could never happen. The only thing that she had grown to want, and could never have.

She hears the shower turn off. The blow dryer kicks on. A few minutes later he comes out of the bathroom. She lies in silence, with her eyes closed, at the edge of the bed. He stands next to the bed, just looking at her. He bends down, and kisses her on the cheek. Her hand touches the back of his head. She feels a weight lift, as she opens her mouth to speak."I don't want you to sleep on the couch," she admits, in defeat.

"I don't deserve to sleep in here with you."

"No, you don't."

"I'll go," he steps back.

She reaches out, and grabs his hand. "No, don't go."

"Don't go?"

"Please," she begs.

He looks at her, in confusion. She was not like that. She was never clingy. She never admitted that she needed him, because she didn't. She had never asked him to stay. Obviously there was something weighing on her mind. In a nanosecond he knows exactly what it is. The thing that had been eating at her. The one she couldn't give him, but wanted to. The thing she never admitted that she wanted, until she couldn't have it. The one that he could live out. He would make that sacrifice, gladly, if it just meant that he could have her. She was enough.

"Ok," he concedes, sliding into the bed next to her.

He wraps his arms around her, holding her closely. He listens to her as she breathes. He listens to her heart beating. He pets her head, and she doesn't seem to mind.

"Stop," he tells her.

"I'm not doing anything," she answers.

"Yes you are. Stop trying to push me away."

"I..."

"Just stop," he warns.

"You deserve more. You deserve to have the things that I cannot give you."

"So do you, but that doesn't change it. It doesn't change anything."

"How can it not?"

"Because it doesn't matter."

"To who?"

"To me."

"But it matters to me," she reveals to him, on the verge of tears.

"You are enough for me. I'm sorry that I made you doubt that. I'm so, so sorry that I hurt you."


	3. Untold Story

She inhales sharply. She tries to hold back, but she can't. The tears fall. She lies in silence, in his arms as the tears fall. He feels the tears land on his arm. Finally she is able to break the silence. She wills the lump in her throat, away, long enough to tell him the truth.

"But you're not enough for me. I want more. I want, what I can't have. So do you, you just won't admit it, out loud, but it's obvious from your actions."

"Then I guess we need to start believing in miracles."

"Believing in them doesn't make them happen."

"We've come too far to give up now."

"I don't want to do this."

"Do what?"

"Stay married to you. I just make you miserable. I won't ask you to stay, when I..." she trails off.

"You never have to ask me to stay. I'm..."

"I don't believe that anymore."

"What can I do to make you believe that?"

"You can't. Please, just try to be happy. If..." the thought of her name makes Ziva cringe, "E.J. makes you happy, then you should be with her."

"You make me happy."

"So why did you sleep with her?"

"I didn't."

"You didn't? I don't believe that."

"I wanted to. I would have. I kissed her, but... I couldn't do it. I love you. I could never do that to you. In the past, I would have, but... I didn't."

"I don't believe you."

"Then ask her yourself."

"We are never going to be happy. We are never going to make this work."

"I am not going to give up on us now."

"Why not? What are you trying to prove? What is it that we have, that is worth saving?"

"You wouldn't believe me, if I told you."

"Try me."

"I've never loved someone the way that I love you. When I'm not with you I feel like I can't breathe. When you're sad, or hurt, it kills me. When I saw you... I would have traded you places, in an instant. I would lay down my life for you, without question. I would kill for you, on any day. I would do anything for you."

"But why? What have I done to deserve that?"

"Where do I even start?"

"From the beginning," she suggests.

"I was going through a hard time when I met you. I was grieving. I had just lost my partner, and everything seemed... wrong. You made me smile, when no one else could. You made me laugh, when I was ready to cry. You reminded me that life goes on."

"Oh."

"Ziva, life goes on," he tells her.

"How can I feel like I've lost something, that I've never had?"

"It was the idea."

"Where do we go from here?"

"Tonight, we sleep."

She closes her eyes, and laces her fingers in his. She presses his arm against her. She presses her ear against his chest, and listens to his heart beating. He holds her close, and she feels safe. Just like he did, the first time. The night that she knew he was different, that he was more than just her partner.

_It was September 2009. She lies in a bed. Not her own bed. A bed, at the Navy lodge she was staying at. The only belongings she had, were the ones she had bought after arriving home. Home? America was her home now? D.C. was her home? She wasn't sure. NCIS felt like home. She rolls over, and looks at the clock. 0243. She had been lying there for five hours. Sleep wasn't going to come. _

_She needed something to get her to sleep. She needed someone to tell her that it was ok. Someone to protect her from everything that was wrong in the world. She had never needed anyone before. But in the back of her mind, there was one face she kept seeing. There was one person she needed. The only person she wanted to see. _

_She grabs her phone, and dials his number. He answers after just two rings._

_"Zi?" he answers._

_"I..." she splutters, on the verge of tears. _

_"I'll be right over," he hangs up._

_0300-He steps into the room. He goes over to the bed. He kicks out of his shoes, and climbs into the bed. He finds her on the other side. She lies on the edge, curled up tightly. She hugs her knees to her chest. She doesn't move. He moves towards the center of the bed. He touches her arm. She doesn't react how he expects. He anticipates that she'll freak out. Instead he feels her muscles relaxing. _

_"Zi, it's going to be ok," he promises, petting her head. She exhales. She realizes that she is finally breathing normally. She rolls over, to face him. His hand gently touches her face, as the tears trickle down her cheeks. "Just tell me what you need," he insists. Her eyes flicker. She looks up at him. She stares into his eyes, but her lips don't move. I can't, her eyes tell him. _

_Without a second thought he pulls her closer. Her tears bleed through his t-shirt, but he doesn't mind. He wraps his arms around her. Doing the only thing he could, to protect her, from the demons roaming around, inside of her. He whispers to her, in the dark._

_"Relax. It's me. I'm here for you. I'm not going to hurt you. I would never hurt you. You know that."_

_Her rigid muscles find logic in his words. Her brain tells her that he is right. Her muscles relax. She takes soft, slow breaths, trying to regain composure. He strokes her hair, as her head is buried in his chest. He kisses the top of her head._

_"Sweetcheeks, go to sleep."_

_She feels the muscles in her face twitch. Her lips nearly tighten into a smile. She smiles inside. She had forgotten about that name. She presses her hand against his heart. Her eyes don't close, she waits for sleep._

_"Ziva I meant what I said. I can't live without you."_

_She feels her heart skip a beat. Why? Why was it that she felt so strongly towards him? Was it because he saved her? Or was it because he came, even when he thought she was dead. He came, to seek revenge, for her, even if it meant his death. Who would do such a thing? A character in a fairytale. An idiot. A fool. Someone in..._

_He can nearly hear her thoughts. She was thinking about him, and he was thinking about her. He was ready, to tell her the truth. She was broken, and time wasn't going to heal all of her wounds. Some of them needed the truth, they needed context. They needed a reason. She needed something, to make life worth living. He had to tell her, because she deserved the truth. He had nearly lost her, and he wasn't willing to go through that again. Finally he feels the words slipping from his lips._

_"Ziva, I love you."_

_Her tiny, exhausted voice comes to life, "I know," she answers, closing her eyes. Finally she had a moment of peace. Tomorrow... it didn't matter. Yesterday... that was the past. All she had was right now, and she was going to take it. She drifts to sleep, to the sound of his beating heart. _


	4. Stay

She opens her eyes. She finds herself, in his arms. It wasn't a dream. None of it was a dream. The joy, the pain, the tears, the anger, all of it was real. She doesn't try to wiggle free. She simply relaxes into his arms.

He wakes, from a beautiful dream. He opens his eyes to her. She stares at him, in silence. He smiles, upon seeing her face. There was nothing like this. He loved waking up, with her in his arms. He loved smelling her hair. He loved listening to her, as she slept.

She opens her mouth to speak. His finger presses against her lips. She looks at him, in understanding. She touches his cheek. He loosens his grip, from around her. His hand pulls her hand towards him. He kisses her hand.

She looks past him, at the clock. He doesn't have to look, to know, that it's nearly time for them to get up. Time for her to get up, at least. He knew that in ten minutes she'd be leaving the apartment, in her running shoes. He knew it was the way that she dealt with it all. But today, especially, he didn't want her to go.

She stares at his face. She thinks about the cool sidewalk outside. She feels her muscles twitch, at the thought. She looks into his eyes, and the urge to run, it leaves her. He always made it so hard for her to get out of bed, and go running. She tried to slip out of bed, without waking him, but she was rarely successful. Today, she just wanted to stay here, in his arms. But, she wouldn't, not unless he asked. He wouldn't ask. He understood that she needed to run. But, this morning, she could skip out. But he wouldn't ask, he never did.

His hand moves from her hip, down her leg. Her legs are bent. He stops on her calf. She looks at him, in confusion.

"Don't go," he insists, waiting on the argument, to follow.

"Ok," she agrees.

"Really? You don't want to go running this morning?"

"I should."

"So go. Don't stay on account of me."

"I can skip my run, this morning."

"Are you sure?"

"You're more important."

"Can I ask you something?"

"I have never been able to stop you."

"What are you running from?"

"I..." she splutters.

"Are you running from me?"

"Don't flatter yourself, I ran before I ever met you."

"So what are you running from?"

"The only thing that I can never out run."

"What's that?"

"Me."

"Oh."

"Do you still want me to stay?"

"Yes," he nods.

"You're going to make it up to me?"

"I'll go with you tomorrow," he offers.

"I don't think that I am ready for you to die, just yet."

"Die?"

"Or cough up a lung. Let's face it, we both know that you could never keep up with me."

"You never slow down."

"I couldn't, even if I tried."

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" he wonders.

"That sometimes I forget."

"To what?"

"That I have to slow down, sometimes."

"I'm used to it."

"I'm used to a lot of things, but that does not mean that I like them."

"Like what?"

"When your eyes wander."

"I can make it stop."

"Then you should."

"But if I do, Gibbs will be suspicious. We will have to tell him."

"We should have told him, from the beginning."

"Ziva, you're the one who didn't want to tell him," he reminds her.

"I was wrong."

"That happens sometimes."

"Yes, unfortunately, it does. I have been wrong about a lot of things."

"For example?"

"You."

"Me?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"I made assumptions about you, when I first met you."

"What did I do to dispel them?"

"You came for me, when there was nothing left to come for."

"I'd always come for you."

"Do not start singing. I am not in the mood for your rendition of Nickelback, this early in the morning."

"I'm not going to start singing. Just because it's in a song, doesn't make it any less true."

"I know."

"I would, always come for you. No matter what. No matter how much you hated me. No matter how angry you were at me. No matter how bad things got, I would always come for you."

"Because if I didn't you'd always be the one who got away."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Are you sure? Last night, you didn't seem convinced."

"I made you a promise. I'm not going to break it, now."

"You weren't the only one who made a promise. I broke one of mine. I never should have let myself get so..."

"Horny?"

"Un-thoughtful. I should have been thinking about you, but I was thinking about me. You're my wife. I need to think about you."

"You don't have to."

"Yes, I do. You are the only person in the whole world, that I could never survive without."

"That isn't true."

"I wouldn't want to live, without you."

"Why?"

"Because you make me a better me. You push me, stretch me to the limits, and stay around, to catch me if I fall. I'm never going to find another person who is willing to do that for me."


	5. Can't Hold On

"I think that we should try a separation," she tells him, at the breakfast table, as he shovels in a mouthful of cereal. He nearly chokes. After swallowing he is able to speak.

"If that's what you really want."

"Just like that?"

"I'm not going to make you stay in this, if your heart isn't in it."

"I just... I think we both need to explore other options. I can't... I just can't keep doing this."

"Ok," he sighs.

"Your sub-leaser is moving out this week, isn't he?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Then you can move back in."

"You're serious?"

"I said that I think we should separate."

"I guess that I didn't realize you meant a legal separation, where we live in separate apartments, and..."

"People usually don't separate, and then live together, at least normal people don't."

"Are you sure about this?"

"I think that it's what we both need."

"I will do, whatever you want."

"I thought that you would want it too."

He doesn't say anything. He just shovels another scoop of cereal into his mouth, to keep him from saying something he might regret, later.

After a month apart, he finds that he misses her, far more, than he expected. He slides into a seat at the bar, next to her. The next hour seems to blur. After the drama, he finds himself, waiting by her car.

"What are you doing?"

"I was wondering if you could give me a ride."

"A ride? Why do you need a ride?"

"I wouldn't want to drive. I mean I did..."

She cuts him off, "You had a drink. Not even a whole drink. You were interrupted, remember?"

"Yes, I remember."

"You're not going to give up, until I take you home, are you?"

"Home? I'd like to come home. I..." he trails off.

"You what?"

"I miss you."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do."

"I thought that you were happy, with her."

"Happy? I don't know about that. I had fun with her."

"So why are you here with me, instead of with her?"

"Because she's fun, but..."

"But what?"

"But you're the one I want to come home to."

"That's not true."

"What can I do? To make you believe me?"

"There isn't anything that you can do."

"Please, let me try."

"Let me get this straight, you want to come home with me, tonight?"

"Yes."

"And do what?"

"What do you mean, do what?"

"I am assuming that you have expectations, about what is going to happen when we get there."

"I do."

"Which is why, it's not going to happen."

"I don't have expectations of sex, if that's what you think. I know that's not going to happen. I don't expect it to. I can't blame you, for not wanting that. I mean, I lied, I cheated, you have no reason to trust me. I know it's going to take a while, to earn your trust back."

"So what are your expectations?"

"I just..."

"You just what?"

"I want to be close to you. I know that you're not going to let me sleep in the bed with you. I just want to be there, with you."

"That is the dumbest thing that I have heard you say, in a while."

"It's true. I feel better knowing, that you're asleep, in the next room."

"As opposed to what?"

"Lying in bed, wide awake, in an apartment, across town."

"You think that you being there makes me sleep. Do you really think I can't sleep without you?"

"I don't sleep without you."

"I doubt that's true."

"I sleep, but not well."

"I don't see how me being there changes anything. Your mattress is probably just lumpy."

"That's what I thought. I mean, it was getting old."

"Was?"

"I got a new one. A really comfortable one."

"Did it help?"

"No. So I got new pillows, and blankets, but none of it helped."

"Did you try the couch."

"And the floor. I even tried to sleep in the bathtub."

"I'm sorry, that you can't sleep without me. I sleep just fine."

"Liar."

"I sleep like a baby."

"Babies wake up every couple of hours," he points out.

"I sleep like a log."

"Logs don't sleep."

"Why are you doing this?"

"I let you push me away. I let you have your space. I let you have your time. Now I'm pushing back. I'm pushing back, and I'm not going to back down, until you forgive me."

"You're not that good at waiting."

"How long are you going to make me wait?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'll forgive you, by the time that Hell freezes over."

"Ziva," he pushes her hair out of her face, "We've been through a lot together. We have seen a lot together. We've been through good times, and really bad times, but we always come through it. Doesn't that mean something to you?"

"Not anymore."

"I betrayed your trust..."

She cuts him off, "Of all the people in the world, you are the one person I thought I could always count on. I thought that I could always trust you. Even when you made mistakes, in the past, you didn't lie to me. I... I will not be with a liar."

"Because to you all men are liars, and all liars, they're just like your father?"

"Why would you even go there?"

"I am not your father."

"I never said that you were."

"But he lied to you. He betrayed your trust. You think that I'm like him."

"No, you're not."

"But I could be? Right? Eli, used to be a good man, didn't he?"

"Maybe, I don't really remember."

"Please, let me come home. Not forever. Just for tonight," he begs.


	6. Desperate Times

"Things are never going to be like they used to be. They are never going to go back to how they were."

"I am not asking for that."

"What you are asking for, is more than just one night."

"Is that a crime?"

"You are asking for a chance at reconciliation. I am not willing to do that, not right now."

"So, what? You just want to make a clean break? We will put the past behind us, and move on? Just like that?"

"Yes, just like that."

"Ziva that is easier said than done."

"Why can't you just let this go?"

"I am not ready to let you go."

"You are not letting me go. I am not going anywhere. I will still be your partner. I just don't want to be your wife."

"How can this be so easy for you?"

"It is not easy for me."

"You certainly pretend like it is."

"Why are you doing this?"

"I do not want you to hate me."

"I do not hate you."

"I don't believe you, Ziva."

"Why is that?"

"You're mouth says one thing, and your eyes say something entirely different."

"I apologize that my eyes are misleading."

"Your eyes are not misleading. What did I do? Why do you hate me?"

"You know what you did."

"So you admit it? You do hate me."

"Part of me does," she admits.

"Why?"

"You were the one person who was never supposed to betray me, betray my trust."

"Give me a second chance."

"I have given you enough chances. I just want out. I want to be done. I want to move on with my life. This was a bad idea. We were wrong to think that this could ever work."

"You're saying that you never loved me?"

"I did not say that."

"Did you?"

"Does it matter? This is over."

"It matters to me."

"Yes."

"Do you still love me?"

"It isn't about whether I love you, or not."

"Then what is it about?"

She takes a step closer to him. "It is about waking up next to someone I can trust."

"You can't trust me, anymore?"

"I want to."

"I am not the only one who made mistakes."

"Tony," she flattens the lapels on his jacket. She peers into his eyes, "This can't be fixed. We cannot be fixed. We both have too much baggage to make this work."

"Maybe it's time that we start unloading it."

"Even if we do, there is no guarantee that this will work."

"I am not looking for a guarantee. I am just looking for a chance."

"I cannot give you another chance, not now."

"Should I file divorce papers? Is that what you want?"

She looks at him. He notices her eyes soften. He stares into her deep brown eyes. He doesn't understand the look that she is giving him. She swallows hard. She tilts her head. Nervous? Ziva never looked nervous. What did she have to be nervous about? She exhales, and the words flow out of her mouth, "I filed them this morning."

"Oh," he studies her. She maintains eye contact. He sees the look of pain, in her face. He sees a pang of regret in her eyes. Regret for filing? Regret for telling him this way? Regret for marrying him, in the first place? He would probably never know.

"You should go home," she replies. He hears the word that she is thinking of inserting at the end of the sentence. _Alone,_ he adds in his head.

"You're planning on doing the same?"

"Yes," she nods. He scrutinizes her. The look that she gives him confuses him. It says, _but I don't want to_. He wasn't the only one who was being tortured by this. Of course, she was far better at concealing it, than he was. She had more experience. She knew how to bury it. Then why was she letting him see this? Maybe she wanted him to know that she didn't like the options, either.

He takes a step towards her. He kisses her on the forehead. He takes a step back.

"Goodnight," he tells her.

She gets into her car. She watches him walk away, sulking more with each step. She puts the key in the ignition. The engine turns over. She turns up the stereo, hoping to drown the sound of her own thoughts. She peels out of the parking lot, trying to put distance between them. She tries to leave the painful memories, behind. It never worked, after all, he was always with her.

That night he doesn't sleep much. He manages a few hours of fitful sleep. Sleep, not rest. With sleep comes dreams. Dreams of her. Of her face. No, there would be no rest tonight. As he rolls over, he looks at his clock. 0434. Would she be awake? Was she thinking about him, too? Or was she dead asleep? Drooling on her pillow, snoring like a sailor? He rolls over, onto the other side, hoping to get her off his mind. He doesn't, but eventually he dozes back off, to sleep.

When he wakes his body switches into autopilot. He showers, gets dressed, and eats. He drives to the Navy Yard. He finds himself alone, in the squad room. Was he really surprised? It was early. He sits at his desk, looking like a sad little puppy. His head pops up, when he hears footsteps. When he sees who it is, a look of disappointment overcomes his face. His boss notices. He stops, and looks down at him.

"You're here early," Gibbs comments.

"You, too."

"Something on your mind?"

"It's nothing."

"Nothing? It looks like something."

"I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"You won't understand."

"Try me."

"And you'll probably get angry."

"Maybe."

"I just need to fix something that I can't fix."

"You could use some help?"

"Advice, maybe."

"I might be able to offer some."

"Just promise that you won't shoot me."

"You have my word."


	7. Desperate Measures

"I'm going to lose her."

"Lose who?"

The guilty look sprawls across his face. He tries not to look across the room, at his partner's desk.

"There is something that you don't know."

"There are a lot of things that I don't know. There are some things that I don't want to know."

"You probably don't want to know this, but I think that it is time you did."

"Ok?"

"I'm getting a divorce."

"A divorce," he chuckles, "I'll give it to you. You had me going for a minute. You were being so serious. Good, one."

"No, I'm serious," DiNozzo admits.

"You have to be married, before you can get divorced," Gibbs points out.

"You would know."

"You're not married. Unless... did you and E.J..."

"No," he shakes his head.

"You were with her, everyone knows that. If you had a wife you..." Gibbs trails off, upon seeing DiNozzo's look.

"I screwed up. I ruined everything. I made a stupid choice. I wasn't the only one making bad decisions, but... I'm the one who set her over the edge."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I don't want to lose her."

"You think that I can help you?"

"You've had a lot of experience."

"I have been divorced, three times. That isn't good experience."

"I would like to learn from your mistakes."

"When did you get married?"

"A while ago."

"How long?"

"Over a year ago."

"And why wouldn't you tell me, this?"

"I didn't want you to know. She didn't want you to know. We thought that we could hide it from you. We did, but... the cost, it was too high."

"Tony, who are you married to?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes," he nods.

"Who do you think?" he replies, looking past Jethro, at the empty desk, behind him.

"You've got to be kidding, right?"

"No."

"You are telling me that you are married, to your partner?"

"Not for much longer."

"What do you think that I can do? This is against the rules, my rule. It's also against policy."

"I know that. I just..."

"You love her?"

"I don't want a divorce."

"Does she know that?"

"Yes. She isn't willing to work it out."

"Because of something that you did?"

"Yeah," he nods.

"I can't help you. You have to fix this, on your own."

"How?"

"Don't sign the papers."

"She'll just get pissed at me."

"Let her be."

"How do I fix it?"

"Let her know that you're not going anywhere."

"I don't think that's enough."

"Why did you get married, in the first place? It was a big risk to take. You put a lot on the line, for this. You didn't have to get married. You don't believe in marriage. Why did you do it?"

"I love her."

"Then show her."

"I have tried."

"Try harder."

"But..."

"And it wouldn't hurt, to tell her. They need to hear it."

"I want her back."

"Then you're going to have to fight for her."

"And I'm going to have to go through you?"

"You've hurt her. That isn't ok."

Before DiNozzo can respond, the elevator dings. The doors open, and Ziva steps off. She walks past them, and takes a seat at her desk. Gibbs spins around, and looks at her.

"Do we have a case, already?"

"No," Gibbs shakes his head.

"Then why are you standing at my desk?"

"I don't care what happens, outside these walls. It isn't any of my business. Work it out, before it becomes my business."

"What are you talking about?"

"He's your partner, first."

"I know," she looks at him in confusion.

"I trust that you won't let your marital issues, intervene, with your ability to work together."

The color drains from her face. She doesn't say a word.

"You really shouldn't trust him with secrets, that you don't want him to tell, even if he is your husband. It doesn't change the fact that there are some secrets that he just can't keep."

He turns, ands walks to his desk.

Ziva stares at Tony. She clenches her jaw. She shakes her head.

"I cannot believe you," she fumes.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures."

"Do you have any idea what you've just done? What's next? When the director comes in, are you going to tell him? And McGee, and Ducky, and Abby, too?"

He shrugs, "Maybe. Does it matter? It is about to be over, anyway. You called it quits. There is no reason to keep it a secret now. You said that you don't want to try, and reconcile, so it doesn't matter who knows. We don't have a secret to protect, anymore."


End file.
